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HELLO YOU.

/10:42 PM

its been a roller coaster of emotions lately. there's so much to do so much to ponder. so much frustrations so much worries. i wonder when can i be free from it all. i've had tough times similar to what i'm experiencing now. but but. its way tougher now and i feel like giving it all up. but when i see some willing to sacrifice for the team, i feel selfish to think that way. its not just school hockey house. its beyond that. i have no fucking idea why my leg hurts like shit after i run. my muscles just feel so tight i cant walk at all. well i can but it hurts like crazy. after a rest its fine but it comes back everytime i run. what is wrong i wonder. i dont want to stop and rest halfway through training. i need the trainings i cant afford to waste anytime.

i wonder if the team talk that time was actually of any use. maybe to the lower sec. i feel a certain level of improvement for them. but i dont think it applies to the sec 3s. they were the ones i played with as a team last yr. my batch of players. they brighten my day. but they break my heart too. i aint easy being a captain. and i've failed as one.i'm sorry. i really am. i understand your problems. if only ________ (pamm and sijing knows who) could be understanding and make necessary arrangements. i dont dare to hope anymore. even though hols are approaching. for i know for some, it doesnt matter whether its hols or not. they wouldnt bother. hockey to them is nothing. they always gave me so much hope but they always burst that tiny bubble. every single time. i've learnt from previous lessons and i dont wanna be disappointed anymore. i'll just keep my hopes for those few whom i can place my hopes on. i cant be bothered anymore. what for when they dont care and they dont bother.

i've got no mood to do anything recently. i just want to get home and hide in my room. away from people away from everything else. i've been naughty ponning dance and i somehow feel like ponning trainings too. trainings wise i wont. i'll force myself to go. but i cant say the same for dance. its stressful and i admit i cant take it much longer. behind a smile hides a broken heart. it may matter a lot to them. but i no longer put in any effort. i no longer care. i dont care even if you force me or even if i left you disappointed. i've failed in this and i dont care. i dont want to care.

well i think there's only someone who can brighten my day. but i havent seen __________ in a long while. i want to see _________smile once again. _________'s the only one who can understand and help me out. where is __________

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